How to Help Friends Deal with Grief During the Holidays

56 Comments

1. Wonderful post Cindy – and a good reminder that a simple gesture can mean so much to someone coping with loss or heartache. Wishing you and your readers peace through this holiday season.

   1. Hi Barb

      We know so many that have lost someone in their life or that have passed lately…heart breaking…

2. I meant to add that my daughter is a huge help and support and we started a new tradition
   of spending Christmas week in Hawaii, for the second year. She and her husband will be hosting Thanksgiving at their home in Santa Barbara and I plan attend. My birthday is 2 days before Turkey day and it’ s always been difficult with everyone focusing
   on the holiday. Her father and stepmother will be there and they are having memory problems and I am having to force myself to be thankful for my many blessings and
   to enjoy the day.

   1. Hi Joan

      Enjoy the holidays!!

3. This is a wonderful reminder about how we each deal with grief, our own, and how to help others who are also grieving. I lost my husband unexpectedly a year and a half ago. We were together for 28 years and it was both his, and my, third and longest, and happiest marriage. He ewas very strict about his exercise routine and diet so he had the appearance of being very healthy. But, with hereditary heart disease,
   his heart just finally gave out.
   I started a group for widows through my women’s club, and
   I also joined several other groups to help me to reach out and make new friends. My widows group members have helped me immensely to deal with how to Survive and Thrive, which I titled the group.

   1. Hi Joan

      Thank you so much for sharing. I am sure that group is a great source of comfort to all of you. Kudos to you for starting it.

4. Hi Cindy,
   I enjoy when you share sensitive subjects like this one and it’s such a timely time to talk about when there are so many people deeply hurting out there due to recent loss or trying to recover from loss of just last year.
   My neighbor of over 23 years lost her husband last year and she has been grieving deeply. I bring her food and baked goodies and roses from our garden, drop off my handcrafted cards at her front door. I forgot about the idea of a candle. I have done this before when my friend lost her only son in a tragic car accident.
   My husband and I have been through so much loss, sometimes you are never the same again after loss. Also your fur children, this loss is huge too. We all respond differently.

   1. Katherine I know you are such a good friend to all that are close to you. You are a saint!

5. Cindy, thank you for taking the time to remember those who are still grieving because of the loss of their loved one. I can barely see through my tears to say thank you to you. Having gone through 2 1/2 years of heartache over the loss of my husband Tom of 50 years I can say there are times of withdrawal. Holidays and celebrations are still extremely difficult but I try hard for his sake. Yes I am the keeper of his memories…thank you Cindy no one else has done what you have done on any blogs I read.

   1. Hi Karen

      I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to lose your spouse of so many years. My husband and I have been married almost 50 years and we finish each other’s sentences. I hope his memory gives you strength.

6. This is such a timely post for me and as always, written so beautifully. I lost my parents when I was 21 (dad) and 30 (mom) and then my sister when I was 33. Now 35 years later we lost my youngest brother in October to early onset dementia. The holidays have been hard for me for a long time but this year I am dreading them. Lots of people, and some that I don’t really know is not how I want to spend my first Thanksgiving since my brother’s death. I don’t think my kids understand how I’m feeling. Christmas will be the same and I’m dreading that even more. Thanks Cindy and all your reader’s for some good advice. It will be so hard to decide what to do.

   1. Hi Tricia

      Oh my you have had so much loss, I can’t imagine what you are going through? Pass this post and the comments along to your children and maybe it will help them understand your need to grieve in your own way. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

7. My husband died suddenly a few days before Christmas. And even though it’s been almost 17 years, I find December a month I struggle to get through. I do best when I hibernate and just take care of myself.

   1. Hi Cathy

      What a painful time it must be for you. Do what you need to do to get through it. You know best…

8. Dear Cindy, I lost my dear sweet husband last night. At this point I really don’t know if I can go on alone. We have been married 66 year’s. I have two wonderful sons, wives and 4 grandchildren, I am so lucky to have them, and dear friends, but I feel so alone. I pray for the future without him. I will read you post over many times, I know it will help.
   Mary Ann

   1. Hi Mary Ann

      Please email me anytime you feel the need to talk. We are all here for you. There are so many here who have gone through similar circumstances. 66 years oh my…Lean on those who love you and need you.

9. Hi Cindy,
   Well you touched a nerve, there are so many of us out there grieving losses of one type or another. The holidays and all the media hoopla surrounding them make it tougher. Moving on with new traditions is the way I’ve coped for these last two years, we’ll see what changes this year as I navigate my way to a “new normal”. Sometimes life is just plain tough, it stinks! I’m trying to stay positive and most days I can focus on the good.
   (But now it’s raining which seems to fit the mood I’m in today!)
   Have a very happy Thanksgiving!
   Xo Heidi

10. Cindy, thank you for this wonderful post. Grief and mourning a loved one (even a pet) is different for everyone. There is no timeline, everyone handles it differently. Holidays can be difficult, stirring up memories, etc. All of your suggestions and reminders beautifully stated. Again, thank you for sharing ways to help one another during this season.

11. A gentle and timely post, Cindy. Thank you.
    Yes, it’s important to grieve in one’s own way and if one can, make grief one’s friend. To fight it is a battle one can’t win. My husband and I are grieving a very significant loss in our lives currently and even as close as we are, we do it differently but with complete support of each other.
    It’s a time for empathy, compassion and beautiful candles, I think. I can smell the gingerbread one now as I write.
    Thanks again for your perceptive timing.

12. Thanks for this timely post Cindy. I am 74 year old mother of two mid forties children who have disengaged from me … for several years now. It is a hole that cannot be filled, especially since I don’t think the 4 grandchildren are aware I exist. My former husband
    ( divorced in 1987) is one of their grandparents, and in their worlds , but I have been excluded for many years, even though I was the very involved parent and then single parent . Holidays are difficult, and ads are relentless at reminding one of ‘perfect ‘ family situations.I am recently separated from a marriage of 30 years to a fellow who, among other reasons , was always angry about their treatment of me, but somehow did not see what I could use was empathy , and perhaps distraction , to help me out. Interestingly, in the past when I naively trusted and shared my loss to some women, I was asked ‘what did you do’? … which felt judgemental rather than concern. There are many of us out there, unfortunately, who share this sad situation. As one gets older, it becomes more imperative to connect, if only there are ways to do so. Ironically, just as I a settling into my new solo life, and now ready to send letters to both children advising them of my new status, since all I have is home addresses, Canada 🇨🇦 Post is on strike! I felt news was timely now ,rather than closer to ‘their’ Christmas. Sigh…

13. Grief during the holidays doesn’t necessarily mean losing a loved one.
    Grief comes also for broken families that cannot celebrate holidays together 😢

    1. Hi Carol
       You are absolutely right. Have you checked out Honey Good’s facebook groups that I referenced in the interview with her?

14. What an unexpected post among the flood of Christmas home tours filling my inbox. I lost my mother two months ago and am finding that the simplest of things can bring tears to my eyes. Surprisingly, while a couple of close friends check on my emotional state, my grown children haven’t mentioned their grandmother since her funeral as though this chapter is closed. Thank you for reminding us that we can lend support to others who are emotionally fragile at the holidays.

    1. Hi Debra
       I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone handles grief in their own way. Perhaps your children’s way of dealing with their grief is to not talk about it. I might be one of those people I hate to say.

15. My sister and brother and I just lost our beautiful sister! She suffered with Aphasic Dementia for 12 years! She was my best friend and I’ve missed her terribly these years! I always felt she recognized my voice and since she loved to sing, I would sing and she would join in! We have so many memories of her and her laugh!
    Yes, we all grieve differently!
    Pat

    1. Hi Pat
       I did not know that. I am so sorry. Pat hadn’t mentioned that to me, but we haven’t spoken on the phone in awhile.

16. Thank you for the many ideas. A friend since I was 5 years old recently lost her husband. You gave me food for thought to be there for her. Greer

17. Thank you Cindy this is such a valuable conversation and post. I lost my gorgeous brother a year ago now from prostrate cancer and it’s very difficult for all of us, especially his daughters. I have a photograph of him smiling in my bedroom and l talk aloud to him most mornings. Love knows no bounds.
    Happy Thanksgiving xo

18. Thank you for reminding your readers, Cindy, that the holidays are not happy times for millions of folks.
    I lost a good friend to suicide this summer, three weeks before my Dad passed after a horrific battle with Alzheimers.
    I am trying to emotionally dig myself out, but thinking these holidays will be hard ones.
    The new losses dredge up the old ones, and it can really be a hard time, especially with sudden or out of order losses, which some of the ladies have mentioned here.
    Thanks for the post and peace to all. 🩵

19. You have included some very good reminders in this post – thank you!

20. Oh boy-this one grabbed me.
    I lost my son on Thanksgiving several years ago. You advice is appreciated-but from my experience, we just want him to be remembered. Text-sometimes a phone call is even too hard. I am no longer a phone person. Invite us-even if we pass-you thought of us-you remembered. I hosted Thanksgiving (was my favorite holiday-before) for a few years-then realized, it just exhausted me, but I wanted the rest of my family to have the holiday. But this year-it is just my husband and I, we are just too sad.
    My advice-just send a card, a text, leave a message, send flowers, extend an invitation -just reach out, and say the persons name, we just want them remembered. much love to all

    1. I am so sorry Sandy. I completely understand.
       I lost my son a few days before Christmas, years ago, and the holidays are not a happy time for us.
       You are so right – we just want them remembered. I tell people, that my job is to be “the keeper of his memory.” Peace to you.

       1. Gray you are the prime example of someone who has not stopped grieving but have decided to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and live your life in honor of your son. I so admire you.

       2. We are part of a club we didn’t ask to join-but what thoughtful kind women that we are this with. Such loving and supportive responses-love to all, and my arms are around each one of you.
          Say their names!

    2. Hi Sandy

       Thank you so much for sharing. Everyone experiences grief differently don’t they? My heart goes out to you and your husband at this sensitive time.

    3. I lost a son right before Christmas but unlike you, I really have no memories. My full-term pregnancy did not work out as planned. He was stillborn! I realized that people just didn’t know how to handle the situation or what to say but some chose to say nothing. I’ve decided it’s better to say something than to act like nothing had happened. He was my first so a few said “well you can have another one.” Really…one child cannot take the place of another. He didn’t take a breath in this world but I had him in my mind in school, growing up, birthday parties and all that we dream for our children. And one day that was all taken away. I have a few friends that still remember me on that day and it means a lot. So you are blessed with your memories of your son and he will never die as mine hasn’t. They will always be with us. Happy Holidays to you! I will be thinking of you.

    4. This rang true for me as well, Sandy – I am no longer a phone person. We lost our eldest son 8 years ago. Nothing is the same. We move forward, but nothing is the same. This post, Cindy, had so much good advice – I appreciated all that was conveyed here. Thank you.

21. The best advice is realize grieving is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I say this from experience having lost my parents, brother, sister and my husband over the years. Each one I grieved differently.
    Very kind of you to offer these insights on how to help those grieving.

    1. Hi Meg

       You are absolutely right. I lost both of my parents and Steve’s parents within a few years of each other. My dad was ready to go as was Steve’s. His mother had cancer and alzheimers. My mother was very ill. I lost my sister too young of alcoholism. I still mourn her wondering if I could have done more.

22. Everyone handles grief differently. I lost the love of my life and husband of 54 years unexpectedly 7 months and I just wanted to be left alone. I took a solo driving trip that we had planned, 1,000 miles round trip. I am at my daughter’s 2 days a week helping her. I speak to my brother most days.

23. MY CLOSEST FRIEND LOST HER HUSBAND THIS YEAR.
    YES, KEEP CHECKING IN WITH THEM IS A GOOD ONE!
    I also have an old friend who lost a SON this month.
    AND I have just lost a STEP MOM!
    Not easy.

    1. Hi Eliz

       I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Losing a child has to be so difficult as Gray knows so well.

24. Thank you for reminding us of a sensitive subject and ways to handle it. Even if we have not lost a loved one, as we add to our years, I often think about how unpredictable it is for the time we have remaining with a friend/loved one. We should be focusing on making each day count.

    1. I do too Wren. Good point about making every day count.

25. Cindy, this is a lovely post and very timely for those who’ve lost loved ones recently. Lots of compassionate advice here. Last year I wrote a newspaper column on this very topic, with quotes from several experts on grieving. I reposted it on my own blog recently. Here’s the link, if anyone is interested in reading it: https://www.laferle.com/2023/12/how-to-manage-holiday-grief-and-loss/

    1. Hi Cindy

       Thank you so much for sharing your post. You are such an inspiring writer. I linked to your post above.

    2. Cindy, your link doesn’t work

26. What a wonderful post Cindy. God bless you. This is the first holiday season in a couple of years that I am looking forward to after the loss of both my parents and a dear friend but I still know that waves of grief will flow over me at some point. It’s never ending and it can rise at any moment. For me personally I just had to give myself grace during the last couple of holiday seasons to feel sadness and to walk through it, even while the rest of the world was chipper and upbeat (or so it seemed). Thankfully my kids and husband and friends allowed me room to move through the waves and let me know they were right there on the shore if and when I needed them.

    Wishing you and everyone reading your post warm wishes throughout the holiday season. And If you’re walking through the depths of grief right now, please know you’re not alone, many of us are with you in the ocean of grief that sadly is a part of life, and to please please reach out to someone, either a trusted friend, family, or a professional, if the waves are ever hard to tread by yourself. We all need help sometime. Thanks Cindy for this post. xoxo

    1. Hi Nancy

       Thank you so much for sharing how you handled your own grief. All of these testimonials will help those that are in the depths of grief right now.

27. One of the people you alluded to is a friend who lives near me in the same city. My husband died unexpectedly on Christmas Day so I understand the heartbreak she’s going through. Your advice is spot on Cindy. Thank you. xoxox, Brenda

    1. Hi Brenda

       I knew you would know of whom I am speaking. She is such an upbeat person I know she will get through it, but what a time to lose someone so unexpectedly. I met her darling daughter at LTK Con. I am sure she will be a great sourse of strength for her. You know that feeling so well.

28. Please talk about the loved one they lost. Share a funny or poignant story. I long to hear other people’s stories of my late husband, but they are few and far between.

    1. Hi Linda

       Thank you for reminding us.

29. Thank you for the reminder about grief, especially during this time of year. Two friends lost their partner/ husband this past week. Both men had finally lost long battles with debilitating diseases. The idea of lighting a candle is beautiful, thank you. When my brother died of covid in December 2020, a friend sent me a set of windchimes and I have since done that for friends who have lost a loved one.

    1. Hi Sheila

       I love that windchime idea. A quiet reminder of the one you lost.

    2. One of my friends gave me a windchime when my dad passed. It was very kind and lovely of her.

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