What I’ve Earned After 60 (and What I Still Haven’t)
The Moment it Hit Me
When Steve and I were house hunting in Sonoma (yes we are considering moving closer to our kids) , a young realtor showing us a property looked at me, commented on my outfit, and asked, “Do you do this for a living?” I nodded and left it at that, because explaining “well, sort of, I have an old lady blog” felt like more conversation than either of us needed while touring someone else’s kitchen.
A few days later, in an entirely different context, a young woman stopped me and asked, “Are you Cindy Hattersley?” I said yes. She said, “My mom follows you and loves you”
I have complicated feelings about being the woman someone’s mother follows and being the women that women over 60 follow. Flattering, certainly. But it also means I’ve officially crossed over into the category of women whose daughters know who I am secondhand. There’s no undoing that. There’s also, I’ve come to realize, no reason to want to. I am completely flattered that their daughters even have a clue who I am.
There’s a version of me, not that many years back, who would have deflected both of those moments entirely. Who would have said “oh, this old thing” or turned the mom comment into a joke about feeling ancient. I try not to be that woman anymore, do you?
What I Mean by “Earned”
This is the part nobody tells us about getting older, or at least nobody tells us loudly enough: much of what we gain is better than what we have lost. Not instead of the losses but in addition to them. (For the record: I’ve had two hip replacements and somehow dodged most of the aches and pains people my age complain about, only to be sidelined this year by something called plantar fasciitis. My feet, of all things, decided to be dramatic.) I have earned this chapter, the same way we earn anything real, slowly, and often without noticing until we look up and realize we are standing somewhere completely new.
I realize a list of things I’ve “earned” risks sounding like I’m handing myself a trophy, so let me be clear before I continue. I’m not fully there on any of it. Most days I still catch myself apologizing for something small, or replaying a decision I made a decade ago wondering if I got it right. I’m proud to represent women over 60 in a space that mostly ignores us, and there are still parts of doing this publicly, the posing, the “modeling,” the pressure to document every moment instead of just living it, that I genuinely dislike. This isn’t a victory lap. It’s just where I’ve landed, some days more convincingly than others.
What I Have Earned
I have earned the right to wear color, a statement jacket, or a bold necklace that may not be “on trend”. Not because I stopped caring what anyone thinks, but because I finally know what I actually like, which is different and much better thing than not caring.
I have earned silence in a conversation instead of filling it in. Can you relate to this? For years I thought being agreeable meant saying yes quickly, filling every pause, smoothing every edge. Now I let a pause sit there. Guess what the room survives.
I have earned the confidence to walk away from things that don’t fit anymore, looks, friendships, a version of my house that no longer matched who I’d become.
I have learned to know what I want. I know that I want the billowy David Austin roses and not the tidy hybrid teas. I know I want a block print linen tablecloth slightly wrinkled , because it looks like someone actually uses it. I know what I want to wear, eat, read, and argue about most of the time.
I have earned the comfort of Scout curled up against my leg while I write this, which has nothing to do with wisdom and everything to do with the particular luck of a good dog showing up at the right time in your life. FYI he still has his issues…
I have earned the freedom to be visibly, unapologetically still here… whoopee!
What I Haven’t Earned Yet
I have not, if I’m honest, fully earned the ability to ignore what a stranger thinks of me. That realtor’s question in Sonoma sat with me for days afterward, in a good way, but also in a way that told me I still care what people think more than I’d like to admit. I’m working on that one.
I have earned the freedom to be visibly, unapologetically still here, most days.
[You might enjoy: Three Tips for Overcoming Invisibility and Embracing Empowerment After 60]
Refusing to be invisible shouldn’t just be a slogan , but rather a daily decision. Be comfortable in the jacket, the lipstick, the walking into a room like we belong in it, even on the days we have to talk ourselves into it.
Where This Actually Comes From
None of this arrived quickly. None of it arrived because I turned a certain age and woke up wise. It arrived the way most worthwhile things do, in increments, through the ordinary accumulation of a life. A hard year here a great year there. A decision I second-guessed and then didn’t regret.
[Check out my post {The Blue Zone Perscription: What Dan Buettner has Taught me About Aging Well]. A friendship that ended and taught me something about which people are worth keeping. A closet or home built slowly, piece by piece, in the same patient way I built the rest of myself.
I think about this a lot in terms of my own Collected Wardrobe [How to Build a Personal Style that tells your Story}, and home {The Collected Look, How to Get it and How it Makes your Home Feel Like You}. It’s the same principle. Nothing arrived all at once. Every piece I love has a story attached, where I found it, what I was doing with my life at the time, why I kept it long after the trend passed. Our home and wardrobes are a record of who we are and where we have been.
Your Turn
So here’s what I’d ask you, if you’re reading this and you’re somewhere in the middle of your own chapter, whichever one that is. What have you earned? Not what have you lost, we could all make that list in our sleep, but what have you actually gained that nobody warned you about? The friendships that got truer as they got smaller? The wardrobe that finally makes sense? The ability to leave a party early without apologizing for it ten times on the way out? If you haven’t earned all of it yet either, that’s fine. Neither have I.
Name it. Write it down if you have to. It’s yours, even the parts you’re still working on, and nobody, not a mirror, not a stranger in an elevator, not a culture that would rather talk about aging as loss, gets to take it from you.
I didn’t get here by accident, and neither did you, even the parts still in progress. Now tell me: what have you earned? Not the polite answer, the real one. Let’s get the conversation going in the comments.
You might also enjoy my friend Elizabeth’s post: Stop Shrinking Yourself here
I really enjoyed this particular post and when I got to the end and you asked the question, what have you earned , it really got me to thinking. The first thing that came to mind is that I have earned the right to look good! I am now in my 80’s but I still wear make up every day, still style my hair and color it, still think about my outfit for the day, and still power walk every day. My casual friends(neighbors, and folks that I interact with in my age group) all have let their hair go grey, wear no make up, and carry a lot of extra weight. Plus they wear basically the same clothes every day. It feels to me like they have given up on how they present themselves. My really good friends (a handful) are in my age group and they take the time to look good and take care of themselves so they can live a vibrant life. These friendships mean the world to me.
In reading this my first instinct is to feel shallow about what I said about some women who do not care for themselves , but then I think ‘Wait a minute” I have earned the right to be proud of how I care for myself, and I like to think that my daughter in laws, and my grand daughter will see that being in your 80″s is not the end of the world!
Thank you for your thoughtful essay. It really hit home for me!
Hi Cindy,
Wow, this was such a good share. I enjoy learning each and everyday. You have a great following and such excellent responses too.
Question: I looked up The Blue Zone Perscription and nothing with the Perscription word pops up in this title except, The Blue Zones Second Edition written below it says, “9 Lessons For Living Longer” is this the book that you mentioned today?
Side note, You and Summer, such a loving sweet relationship you have, she keeps you current and on your toes I bet. Also you and Steve and your fur baby Scout.
Hello Cindy,
Such a good post….I am a woman in her sixties with/or had three older brothers. I had a VERY nasty, cruel, falling out with one of my siblings after the awful death of one of our brothers and the subsequent awful aftermath. I have earned the right to fully acknowledge my anger, my pain, to take my time, to not acquiesce to please others. My mother was determined I should “play nice” and “forgive and forget” and “be kind” “please make up” but I couldn’t, I was too beaten up emotionally., too devastated. I wanted nothing to do with him. Years have passed now since the event, and very carefully and slowly I think he and I are rebuilding a relationship very carefully. Time will tell.
So I have learnt this was a crucial time for me to be true to myself. To not fall into tired roles. To step away and really reconsider how I wanted to proceed.
Dear Cindy, what a thought-provoking blog today. I am beyond shy so I wouldn’t chance a written answer to this question, but I have definitely gained insight after reading the blog and all of the beautifully written answers. Perhaps some day I’ll chime in, but for now I give myself permission to just listen. Thank you for what you do and how you do it.
Dear Cindy,
I’m happy to learn that Chaplain Mary says that 80 is the new 60! I will be 80 next month and am trying to adjust to, not my 80 years, but where I am after the past five years. I was a caregiver for my husband for four years; he passed 18 months ago. I then had major back surgery and although it is slow going, I’m doing very well. I am grateful I was able to be a caregiver for my husband; in the process, I lost myself more than a little. Your blog today is a perfect reminder for me to assess what I’ve earned and what
and where I need to learn. Thank you, as always, for your amazing talents you share in your blog.
Cindy, Good morning from Mercer Island,
Your post is both inspiring and affirming. Inspiring because it reminds me to remember the ways I’ve worked diligently to become my true self. Affirming because “earned” equals the way I’ve empowered Dmy “one life”.
So, in answer to your insightful question:
I’ve earned quiet mornings to reflect, express gratitude, write poetry
I’ve earned the joy of recognizing and using my creativity for myself , family, and others
I’ve earned the acceptance of letting go of experiences, persons, agendas that are not life giving.
I’ve earned the reality of being received warmly or not
I’ve earned the patience to listen before reacting
I’ve earned the fun of using red, purple, and green accessories that cheer up my basic wardrobe
Hugs to you, Diney
Dear Cindy,
I hope you and Steve find in the future the home that you both love in this next chapter of your lives. San Francisco is my home town before moving to Arizona. I know Sonoma and the wine country. It’s so fabulous. I can see you living there and being super happy. Cindy you have such a laid back super cool way about you, YOU will make friends. Being close to your family would be such a wonderful thing to do.
I am very clear finally (I am) 74 years old that I don’t have to be around ladies that do not add to my life and bring JOY. It’s hard for me to be around ladies that respond to me in a sarcastic way. Perhaps studying and reading about Mr. Rogers would be of benefit to humans like this. Cindy, me too, it’s a “whoopee moment,” and it’s freeing. I am going to check out “The Blue Zone Prescription. This looks like a very good read. I so enjoyed everything that our Elizabeth shared, she is a very in tune and insightful lady with an excellent head on her shoulders.
On a personal note to you, I am sorry to hear that you have developed plantar fasciitis I have had several friends that have had this and know how uncomfortable and challenging that is to deal with.
I so enjoyed what you shared, it’s honest and real!!!
Take TLC of yourself and stay safe out there.
I really loved this post., thank you for it.
Dear Cindy. As you know, I so enjoy your messages – and quite often you validate how I am feeling as a 70 something lady! I’ve earned a healthy and active lifestyle and surrounding myself with like minded people! Our Casa is a collective of our travels – paintings and objects that bring us joy when we walk in a room. They compliment each other and tell many stories. I love fashion a little too much – I need to slow down a bit and embrace what I have because it’s all great stuff! I am still working on saying no. I love community projects and need to manage my time and give more time to my wonderful husband. As always, thank you for the inspiration – I’m going to give this a lot of thought and share with my friends. Anna in Arizona
Terrific “inventory” of where you are in life, and that you’re still a work in progress means you are still alive, kicking, and figuring out is still important.
I was recently at a girls’ weekend and shared a bit more about who I am and how I function – and it was interesting to learn that these ladies thought I had it all together, and that my slight aloofness intrigued them. So much for my worry that I held myself apart, too much.
I am glad you are here, Cindy. I like reading your blog. My pet peeve on aging–younger people calling me Miss Linda. Makes me feel like Driving Miss Daisy. I think they mean it in a friendly way would prefer just Linda.
Hi Linda
Oh god!! Can I add dear to that list? Noone ever calls a young person dear….
One of the hardest things I’ve “earned” and in truth, I haven’t completely gotten there is that it’s OK for me to be unapologetically single. I don’t need a date. I don’t need a partner. I don’t need a navigator or a counselor or an advisor to make me whole. If I feel the need for a companion or the advice of a counselor or the expertise of a professional, I can find those. In the meantime, it’s OK to make decisions for yourself, travel and live by yourself. Who knew?
Dear Cindy, Thank you for your delightful blog that makes me feel younger and stylish. Thank you also for the insightful wisdom you impart to others in you own story. As for my own journey, I have earned the ability not to be overly concerned about what others think of me because I am made in the image of God. After 3 graduate degrees in other fields, can you imagine beginning seminary at age 72, earning the Masters of Divinity at 76 and then doing FOUR intensive, hospital Chaplaincy internships until age 80 this summer? That’s where I am today. I know that there is nothing I can ‘earn’ because EVERYTHING is a gift of GRACE from my Creator, even a salary. When I think in ‘transactional’ terms of temporal/earthly rewards or earnings, for me, it stunts the growth available to me through spiritual ‘transformational’ reframing as I live into the Creator’s call on my life. As I age, my focus has shifted…to gratitude for all the gifts of grace and many blessings I have already received! Besides, 80 is the new 60! May it be so with you as well and abundant blessing be yours. XXXOOO
I am sharing this comment from my dear high school friend Janie, a former teacher, and beautiful writer. I told her to comment here and she gave me permission to share “I absolutely love this photograph of you two! What a ray of sunshine she must be in your life. I just read your blog and was so inspired and touched by it. I feel that turning 70 was a great turning point. My sister and I joke about being members of the “I don’t care club”…meaning being more confident in experiencing what brings us joy in our lives. Simple pleasures, taking time to appreciate the small stuff, doing acts of kindness and enjoying the positive outcomes. My Dad had such a youthful spirit until the day he died. I feel like I have inherited that characteristic. It doesn’t take much to feel joyful as we age. When we were young, we took so much for granted, but now find happiness in the little things. What you said in your blog today will inspire so many to reflect on their lives and encourage them to find more joy, confidence, and courage to lead more fulfilled lives. Keep up the excellent and insightful advice you share with so many who will “pay it forward”. Good luck in finding a home closer to your family, dear friend. Love, Janie❤️”
Cindy,
I liked this post!
We just downsized from a big house at the beach to a smaller home in Napa Valley, This move was to be closer to our kiddos but not to close. Our granddaughters are all grown and flown to the Bay area too. We got rid of so many things, furniture, clothes, and cars! A big adjustment for sure, we are now enjoying new found freedom to travel, spend more time with loved ones.
You’re so right! I’m 77 and the sound of that age still stuns me because 50 years ago it never occurred to me I’d be this age, but I am, and I’ve earned all the good and bad that comes with it. More good than bad. Yesterday I had a zoom call with a well known Hollywood production company that wants to make a movie out of my book, Maya Blue. When I asked their vision for the movie, I had no problem saying that wasn’t something I’d be interested in doing. It wasn’t a good fit for Maya Blue. Deliberately, I let the room go silent for a while and then said, but here’s something that does interest me. Last night when I told a younger friend about my zoom meeting, she said, “Are you nuts? You turned down a movie deal?” Yes, I did. I know what works for my book better than a room full of people who haven’t read it, except for one who’s read it three times and loves it. But here’s the good part, Cindy: I told them what WOULD work, and they agreed with me. I spent decades bowing to someone else’s opinions, but I don’t have time for that anymore. If you believe in yourself, GO FOR IT! XOXOX, Brenda
Brenda!!
How fabulous is that? It was a win, win…wasn’t it? I am so happy for you and can’t wait for the movie version. Who would you love to see in your role?
Cindy, It’s not a done deal, so all of this is premature. Fingers crossed I can share something soon. xoxox, Brenda
HI, Cindy, I must say your words today resonated with me. Maybe it’s because we’re the same age. Maybe it’s because we grew up in neighboring counties. Or maybe the fact that your husband is also a Logan Berry and now, I see, a Boilermaker, as is my husband.
When I turned 70, I began looking at my own mortality a bit harder. Not necessarily in a morbid way, but more in a “time’s a wastin’!” way. What’s important, what isn’t. What makes me happy and what doesn’t. I’ve earned that. I’m getting better at saying no. I’m working hard at not feeling responsible for other people’s happiness or the need to fix their problems. I’ve earned the right to say YES to me. Thank you for the good reminders and ideas you give us.
Hi Lisa!
I like what you said about turning 70. I agree completely. I feel like that now that I am about to turn 72…”time’s a wastin” as you said so eloquently. The great thing about being this age is the knowledge, experience and being comfortable in our own skin.
I’ve learned not to lose myself trying to please someone else. I’m much better at stopping and asking myself what I really want. I can love people deeply and still say no sometimes. My time matters too, and I’ve finally learned I don’t need to feel guilty about how I choose to spend it.
I loved your blog and depth of your thoughts.
Hi Kelli
Such good points. I too am better at saying no than I used to be.
I think you are gorgeous and dress amazing and have earned the right to have self-confidence in age. We all have!
Hi Cindi
Well thank you for the kind words. I am far from gorgeous, but I so appreciate that you think I am!!
Thank you for this post! It made so much sense to me.
Hi Amy
I am so glad you enjoyed it.
Cindy, Almost all of your topics feel relaxant in some way to me but this one really spoke to me. And now I have a clue what you are up to! For myself, I feel like I am in limbo waiting to begin my next stage of life, as I call it. I am anxious to get going and feel frustrated about the wait. At least you have the ability to be more pro-active and a partner to share that responsibility. How nice for you to be closer to Summer too. After being with my grandsons recently, I miss them more than ever being away from them.
I hope there is a time we can meet up in the not too distant future!
Hi Pal
We will be back here full time at the end of the month! Let’s set a date!!
I have earned to always be myself. Something my Mom taught me long ago. I earned the ability to apologize if I was in the wrong, but also stand my ground if I wasn’t. I just had my Big 80 birthday in May, but still feel and think half that age. I’ve been blessed with good genes and a positive attitude. What I haven’t earned yet is the ability to not look forward and think about what little time I have left on this Earth. Time goes by way to fast.
Hi Judy
I love that you aren’t thinking about what little time you have on this earth. That is why you are still 80 years young!!
First and foremost you are stunning. At 59 my goal is to be classy like you when I grow up 🙂 (currently trying hard). At this point in my life – true friendships are far and wide and I’ve quit trying to over complicate things. Take me for me or ……not !
Hi Sharon
OMG that is one one I still need work on but have gotten so much better. I spent half of my life making things complicated.