Finding Joy After Loss: Kathy Perdue on Grief, Home, and Moving Forward

I have known Kathy Perdue for years now, through blogging, we’ve never actually met in person, but if you’ve been in this space a while you know that doesn’t make a friendship any less real. If you spend any time in this community, you already know her name, because Kathy is, without exaggeration, one of the kindest women in the creators world. Everyone who knows her says the same thing, and everyone means it.

Kathy spent years writing Good Life of Design, and built a career as a design consultant with a gift for helping people understand their own homes, and their own taste, rather than someone else’s. She’s since stepped back from blogging, but this interview goes well beyond design. Kathy lost her beloved husband Doug to cancer several years ago, and what she shares here about grief, about home as a place of comfort, about finding your way back to joy, is honest in a way I think a lot of you will need to read right now.

Meet my friend Kathy.

Hi Kathy! For those who don’t know, you are a retired design consultant and author of the design blog Good Life of Design on Blogspot. Tell us a bit about your design career and the woman behind it.

Hello!  I am happily retired. I started my design career after hiring a designer to make draperies for our brand-new family home. She saw how I was decorating our home and asked if I would like to work for her part-time. I said yes since design was always in my wheelhouse! 

Working for her taught me I did not enjoy the business end of design. I worked for her for three years. Once my three sons were all in school, I opened my own consulting business. I decided I would consult, teach, and recommend to my clients what would work in their home for their design personality. I started by teaching a class at our church and from that I acquired a few clients and my business took off. I never had to advertise. I think word-of-mouth is always our best advertising.

My goal for each homeowner was to analyze their true decor personalities. I developed a method that helped me do that. My goal was to teach them how to stay true to what they truly loved and not be swayed by other’s homes or design trends. 

I would tell them. “I get to go home to the home I love” and I wanted them to come home to the home they loved. Some of my clients called me the House Whisperer. I took that as a compliment. It was important that their home had the FEELING they wanted. 

You’ve spent your career surrounded by beauty and creating calm, beautiful spaces for others. Has your relationship to your own home changed since you lost your husband Doug to cancer a few years ago?

Since my sweet husband, Doug, passed seven years ago, my home and yard have truly been my respite. Home has always been where my heart wants to be and I am definitely more attached to my home and beyond grateful to live here. This is our retirement home, and we moved here in 2015 from our family home of 37 years where we raised our three sons. I have to admit, if I could have moved that home here, I would have. Our retirement home was a new build, in a gated over 55 community and that experience was so exciting to us both, we were like kids waiting for Christmas morning. 

Doug was a great planner for our family, and he knew if something happened to him, I would be safe here. Little did we know he would be gone in four years after we moved here. Between family and lifelong friends, I am beyond taken care of and have wonderful caring new friends and neighbors here. I have grown to be able to say, “all is well by the grace of God!”

Design Style

How would you describe your design aesthetic? Has it evolved over the years?

My own personal style for my home has stayed pretty consistent over the years. I think it has become a bit more refined over time. I lean toward a traditional cottage style. I like to call it understated elegance. Casual with a bit of refinement. I am very color driven. I tend to love spring colors. I love a crisp, clean, fresh, open, airy, calm, and peaceful-feeling home. 

Walk us through your home right now. What does it feel like, what are you most proud of?

Two friends came for a quick visit, and both are East Coast ladies, they were very sweet with compliments but when they both said in unison that my home reminded them of homes in Nantucket, I knew I had accomplished my goal in decorating my home’s look. I might be a California born and raised gal but my design aesthetic definitely leans into East coast cottage looks. 

It’s nice to get compliments on how it looks but it’s more important to me how my home makes people feel. I’m often told my home is so peaceful. In fact, a new friend came to my home for the first time, and her reaction set me back a bit. She actually got teary eyed as she was describing how my home made her FEEL. To be well decorated and pretty is one thing, but to give a visitor a FEELING of comfort and peace, that’s the highest compliment I can get, in my mind. 

Personal Style & Wardrobe: 

How would you describe your style today? Has it shifted in recent years?

I’ve always leaned into a preppy style and as I have experienced more of life, I still lean that way, but I think in a more classic style. I call my style a grownup classic preppy style now.

What are the pieces you reach for again and again — your real-life uniform?

My uniform depends on the weather but in the fall, you will see me in jeans, a striped collared blouse, always a colored cashmere sweater and loafers. I wear my wedding ring, gold bangle bracelet and pearl earrings. Sometimes, I add a silk neck scarf.

As in my home interiors, I am color driven. Since I love springtime colors you will see me in varied hues of yellows/golds, pinks/corals, greens/Kelly, limes to chartreuse and blues/aquas. Summers are extremely hot here so skirts with t-shirts and tank tops or a loose gauzy shirt dress.

How do you think about dressing for your life now, at this stage?

Yes, even at my age I show my arms! I learned years ago that comfort is key and if I wear the right colors for my skin tone and hair color that’s what people will notice before my unfit arms. I happen to be a very golden girl so I will lean into warmer hues for clothing and makeup. My color season is true spring. You will very rarely see me in neutrals except for camels and winter whites in the winter, or natural linen and white in the summer. As popular as browns and burgundies are this season you will not see them near my face.

Skincare & Makeup:

What does your skincare routine look like these days?

My skincare routine has become fairly basic over the years. Trust me when I say I have tried many products! For reference I have very dry skin and have always had dry skin even as a child. I like a good moisturizing product.

Any products — skincare or makeup — you’d consider holy grails?

Here is my routine:

I start with an essence called May Coop (my holy grail)

Eye cream by Neo Cutis Lumiere

Moisturizer by Dieux: this saved my skin from over-use of actives which was a hard lesson and a  big mistake on my part.

Next is facial oil by Oliver Midy

I finish with sunscreen by Medicube

Has your approach to makeup changed over the years? What’s your go-to look?

As far as makeup goes, I’ve always enjoyed playing with makeup. In fact, I have helped girls and my friends with looks for proms, weddings, and special occasions. My look has been pretty consistent over the years. I lean into a fresh, clean, naturally enhanced look.

I own way too many lipsticks and if I am honest they all lean towards a warm peachy pink. I consider myself a lip product addict. I said that with a sense of humor but it’s true.

I love Neutrogena Color Sticks, and I found a great lipstick by Laura Geller called In the Buff and Just Peachy. The gloss I use not only as a gloss, but I wear it at home as a balm and it has kept my lips from chapping. It is an inexpensive gloss found on Amazon called Color Reviver Cherry Oil Lip Gloss. I’ve used it consistently because it works!

I don’t use a foundation but love a skin tint. My favorite is by Ciele which creates a beautiful smooth blurring effect – it’s honestly kind of amazing.

I have genetically inherited dark under eye circles and probably like most women I am always looking for the best product for under eye circles. Lancôme has been a go-to for me and a new product by Sarah Creal has been very effective as well.

Eyeliner is always placed in my eyelashes. I’ve done this since high school. Now they call it tight lining. I like Bobbie Brown’s eyeliners usually in a purplish hue since I have green eyes. I don’t use eyeliner on my bottom lashes, it’s a bit harsh but a dark purple eyeshadow with a brown undertone gives a softer look.

Eyebrows are by Benefit, Gimme Brow in Color 2, light warm golden blonde.

Mascara is a product I am constantly on the hunt for, right now I use Lash Curl by Benefit. My eyelashes have become very sparse over the last few years. I don’t use any growth serums but did years ago and unfortunately made a brown line on my eyelids. I understand they don’t use the ingredient that caused that years ago so I might try it again.

To lighten my dark eyelids, I use a product by MAC called Pro Longwear Paint Pot Eyeshadow. Blush is by Merrit.  I adore their cream blushes, and I have a variety of colors. Actually, five different shades. They apply beautifully and blend perfectly. I start two fingers from my nose and rub in an upward motion towards my temples. I top it off with rose brick from Bobbie Brown. To make my makeup give me a dewy look, I spritz on D’Alba’s White Truffle Aromatic Spray Serum.

Grief & Loss:

Would you be willing to share a little about Doug, who he was, and what your life together looked like?

Who was Doug!? I know I will never do this question justice. He was everything to me and our family. He was a quiet man, with wisdom and logic beyond his years even as a young man. He was a romantic at heart that wrote me beautiful letters in our teens. He surprised me with special trips to Europe, but our favorite spot was Carmel where we honeymooned in 1970 at the age of 19. 

He was a planner and always thinking ahead for our family. He was tender and showed me his adoration with a look that twinkled in his beautiful blue eyes. There was never a doubt that he loved me or our family. He was humbler than anyone I ever knew. He was giving and nonjudgmental. What drew me to him besides his beautiful face was his belief in God and the way he conducted his spiritual life. I knew we would be on the same page in raising our family and that was paramount to me even at an early age of 17 when I fell in love with him. 

Has grief changed the way you think about beauty, home, or the things you care about?

Where do I begin? Sometimes I think I could write a book on this. This subject is so vast and all consuming I hope I can do it justice for others.

Grief is such an individual experience so I can only refer to my own experiences. Doug passed in 2019 and it was expected because he had cancer and was given six months to live at diagnosis. He lived eight months. Four months later my mom passed away. Two of the hardest experiences of my life. 

What would you want a woman reading this, who’s in the thick of a similar loss, to know? What do you wish someone had told you at the start?

The day after Doug passed, I remember wanting to know how long this overwhelming grief would last. Little did I know it was now a part of me and a constant companion that wouldn’t end but it would evolve and I would learn to continue with it by my side.

What did the early days of grief look like for you, and how is it different now?

At the beginning of 2020 everything shut down due to Covid. I was literally alone. There were Lots of texting and phone calls. I remember a dear friend standing at the end of my porch masked up, she brought me some fresh produce. We both felt sad but so glad to at least see each other from a distance. 

I isolated because I didn’t want to get sick and put my family through one more thing. One day my oldest son came to get something that was in our garage, and he distanced himself the length of the garage away from me. When he said goodbye, I remember the look on his face was hesitant and sad because we are a hugging family and there was no hug. As hard as that time was, in some ways it was a blessing in disguise for me it allowed me to face my grief head on.

Because I was isolated, I faced my grief head on, there was no running away from it. I’ve learned so much about myself over the years. I Spent a great deal of time in prayer with my Heavenly Father, which was a great comfort to me.

I’m a homebody by nature so being home was never a problem for me but not being with family was the hardest part. I got a great deal of comfort in decorating my home and making plans for future projects. Being creative is my life blood. I’ve always decorated seasonally so I had Spring, Summer, Fall and Christmas to keep my creative side happy and full. 

Has anything surprised you about how you’ve come through this, in yourself, your friendships, your work, or your capacity for joy again?

Generally, I am a happy girl inside and early on I worried I would never feel joy again because I hurt so deeply. I can now say I can and do feel joy. I tell myself, I am Okay and all is well as a reminder on the harder days.

Are there rituals, people, or small things that have genuinely helped you care for yourself through this?

There have been opportunities to talk with other recent widows and that has been such a gift. They have come to me for comfort, so my home has been the place of comfort to myself and to them. 

I find having a flexible routine is very helpful for me. Most days the only pressure I feel is what I self-impose, that’s the beauty of retirement. I’ve learned that some days are hard and I go with the flow knowing I am taken care of, provided for in the most amazing ways. 

Has dressing well or caring about your home become part of how you take care of yourself now? Or has that changed?

As far as how my personal care has changed, I still think of looking a certain way for Doug even though he’s no longer here. You will hardly ever catch me without lipstick on, and I wear fragrance, for me, every day.

Sometimes I have to laugh because I do have days where I give in to the way I am feeling but never more than 2-3 days. I literally tell myself, “That’s enough!” I start with small mundane things like making my bed, doing laundry. I find washing dishes by hand really helpful sometimes. 

Moving Forward:

What does this chapter of your life feel like to you now both creatively and personally?

I’ve read and heard many many times that the amount of grief one will experience is equal to the amount of love for the loved one you no longer have in your life. Personally, I find this to be true. I can truly say I have had an amazing life and, “All is Well.”

Get Kathy’s Colorful Style

I keep coming back to that line of Kathy’s, “All is Well by the grace of God.” Not because grief resolved into something tidy, it didn’t, and she’s honest about that, but because she found her way to say it and mean it anyway. That’s the thing about Kathy that comes through even in a purely online friendship: the kindness is real, the joy is real, and so is the loss underneath both. If you’re in the thick of your own grief right now, I hope you take something from her here, that it doesn’t end, but it does evolve, and you can still come home to a life you love. Thank you, Kathy, for trusting us with this. You are one in a million

For more design inspiration and just plain fun follow Kathy on Instagram here.

You might also enjoy my interview my post The Friendship Prescription: What Dan Buettner Has Taught Me About Aging Well.