Finding Joy After Loss: Kathy Perdue on Grief, Home, and Moving Forward
I have known Kathy Perdue for years now, through blogging, we’ve never actually met in person, but if you’ve been in this space a while you know that doesn’t make a friendship any less real. If you spend any time in this community, you already know her name, because Kathy is, without exaggeration, one of the kindest women in the creators world. Everyone who knows her says the same thing, and everyone means it.
Kathy spent years writing Good Life of Design, and built a career as a design consultant with a gift for helping people understand their own homes, and their own taste, rather than someone else’s. She’s since stepped back from blogging, but this interview goes well beyond design. Kathy lost her beloved husband Doug to cancer several years ago, and what she shares here about grief, about home as a place of comfort, about finding your way back to joy, is honest in a way I think a lot of you will need to read right now.
Meet my friend Kathy.
Hi Kathy! For those who don’t know, you are a retired design consultant and author of the design blog Good Life of Design on Blogspot. Tell us a bit about your design career and the woman behind it.
Hello! I am happily retired. I started my design career after hiring a designer to make draperies for our brand-new family home. She saw how I was decorating our home and asked if I would like to work for her part-time. I said yes since design was always in my wheelhouse!
Working for her taught me I did not enjoy the business end of design. I worked for her for three years. Once my three sons were all in school, I opened my own consulting business. I decided I would consult, teach, and recommend to my clients what would work in their home for their design personality. I started by teaching a class at our church and from that I acquired a few clients and my business took off. I never had to advertise. I think word-of-mouth is always our best advertising.
My goal for each homeowner was to analyze their true decor personalities. I developed a method that helped me do that. My goal was to teach them how to stay true to what they truly loved and not be swayed by other’s homes or design trends.
I would tell them. “I get to go home to the home I love” and I wanted them to come home to the home they loved. Some of my clients called me the House Whisperer. I took that as a compliment. It was important that their home had the FEELING they wanted.
You’ve spent your career surrounded by beauty and creating calm, beautiful spaces for others. Has your relationship to your own home changed since you lost your husband Doug to cancer a few years ago?
Since my sweet husband, Doug, passed seven years ago, my home and yard have truly been my respite. Home has always been where my heart wants to be and I am definitely more attached to my home and beyond grateful to live here. This is our retirement home, and we moved here in 2015 from our family home of 37 years where we raised our three sons. I have to admit, if I could have moved that home here, I would have. Our retirement home was a new build, in a gated over 55 community and that experience was so exciting to us both, we were like kids waiting for Christmas morning.
Doug was a great planner for our family, and he knew if something happened to him, I would be safe here. Little did we know he would be gone in four years after we moved here. Between family and lifelong friends, I am beyond taken care of and have wonderful caring new friends and neighbors here. I have grown to be able to say, “all is well by the grace of God!”
Design Style
How would you describe your design aesthetic? Has it evolved over the years?
My own personal style for my home has stayed pretty consistent over the years. I think it has become a bit more refined over time. I lean toward a traditional cottage style. I like to call it understated elegance. Casual with a bit of refinement. I am very color driven. I tend to love spring colors. I love a crisp, clean, fresh, open, airy, calm, and peaceful-feeling home.
Walk us through your home right now. What does it feel like, what are you most proud of?
Two friends came for a quick visit, and both are East Coast ladies, they were very sweet with compliments but when they both said in unison that my home reminded them of homes in Nantucket, I knew I had accomplished my goal in decorating my home’s look. I might be a California born and raised gal but my design aesthetic definitely leans into East coast cottage looks.
It’s nice to get compliments on how it looks but it’s more important to me how my home makes people feel. I’m often told my home is so peaceful. In fact, a new friend came to my home for the first time, and her reaction set me back a bit. She actually got teary eyed as she was describing how my home made her FEEL. To be well decorated and pretty is one thing, but to give a visitor a FEELING of comfort and peace, that’s the highest compliment I can get, in my mind.
Personal Style & Wardrobe:
How would you describe your style today? Has it shifted in recent years?
I’ve always leaned into a preppy style and as I have experienced more of life, I still lean that way, but I think in a more classic style. I call my style a grownup classic preppy style now.
What are the pieces you reach for again and again — your real-life uniform?
My uniform depends on the weather but in the fall, you will see me in jeans, a striped collared blouse, always a colored cashmere sweater and loafers. I wear my wedding ring, gold bangle bracelet and pearl earrings. Sometimes, I add a silk neck scarf.
As in my home interiors, I am color driven. Since I love springtime colors you will see me in varied hues of yellows/golds, pinks/corals, greens/Kelly, limes to chartreuse and blues/aquas. Summers are extremely hot here so skirts with t-shirts and tank tops or a loose gauzy shirt dress.
How do you think about dressing for your life now, at this stage?
Yes, even at my age I show my arms! I learned years ago that comfort is key and if I wear the right colors for my skin tone and hair color that’s what people will notice before my unfit arms. I happen to be a very golden girl so I will lean into warmer hues for clothing and makeup. My color season is true spring. You will very rarely see me in neutrals except for camels and winter whites in the winter, or natural linen and white in the summer. As popular as browns and burgundies are this season you will not see them near my face.
Skincare & Makeup:
What does your skincare routine look like these days?
My skincare routine has become fairly basic over the years. Trust me when I say I have tried many products! For reference I have very dry skin and have always had dry skin even as a child. I like a good moisturizing product.
Any products — skincare or makeup — you’d consider holy grails?
Here is my routine:
I start with an essence called May Coop (my holy grail)
Eye cream by Neo Cutis Lumiere
Moisturizer by Dieux: this saved my skin from over-use of actives which was a hard lesson and a big mistake on my part.
Next is facial oil by Oliver Midy
I finish with sunscreen by Medicube
Has your approach to makeup changed over the years? What’s your go-to look?
As far as makeup goes, I’ve always enjoyed playing with makeup. In fact, I have helped girls and my friends with looks for proms, weddings, and special occasions. My look has been pretty consistent over the years. I lean into a fresh, clean, naturally enhanced look.
I own way too many lipsticks and if I am honest they all lean towards a warm peachy pink. I consider myself a lip product addict. I said that with a sense of humor but it’s true.
I love Neutrogena Color Sticks, and I found a great lipstick by Laura Geller called In the Buff and Just Peachy. The gloss I use not only as a gloss, but I wear it at home as a balm and it has kept my lips from chapping. It is an inexpensive gloss found on Amazon called Color Reviver Cherry Oil Lip Gloss. I’ve used it consistently because it works!
I don’t use a foundation but love a skin tint. My favorite is by Ciele which creates a beautiful smooth blurring effect – it’s honestly kind of amazing.
I have genetically inherited dark under eye circles and probably like most women I am always looking for the best product for under eye circles. Lancôme has been a go-to for me and a new product by Sarah Creal has been very effective as well.
Eyeliner is always placed in my eyelashes. I’ve done this since high school. Now they call it tight lining. I like Bobbie Brown’s eyeliners usually in a purplish hue since I have green eyes. I don’t use eyeliner on my bottom lashes, it’s a bit harsh but a dark purple eyeshadow with a brown undertone gives a softer look.
Eyebrows are by Benefit, Gimme Brow in Color 2, light warm golden blonde.
Mascara is a product I am constantly on the hunt for, right now I use Lash Curl by Benefit. My eyelashes have become very sparse over the last few years. I don’t use any growth serums but did years ago and unfortunately made a brown line on my eyelids. I understand they don’t use the ingredient that caused that years ago so I might try it again.
To lighten my dark eyelids, I use a product by MAC called Pro Longwear Paint Pot Eyeshadow. Blush is by Merrit. I adore their cream blushes, and I have a variety of colors. Actually, five different shades. They apply beautifully and blend perfectly. I start two fingers from my nose and rub in an upward motion towards my temples. I top it off with rose brick from Bobbie Brown. To make my makeup give me a dewy look, I spritz on D’Alba’s White Truffle Aromatic Spray Serum.
Grief & Loss:
Would you be willing to share a little about Doug, who he was, and what your life together looked like?
Who was Doug!? I know I will never do this question justice. He was everything to me and our family. He was a quiet man, with wisdom and logic beyond his years even as a young man. He was a romantic at heart that wrote me beautiful letters in our teens. He surprised me with special trips to Europe, but our favorite spot was Carmel where we honeymooned in 1970 at the age of 19.
He was a planner and always thinking ahead for our family. He was tender and showed me his adoration with a look that twinkled in his beautiful blue eyes. There was never a doubt that he loved me or our family. He was humbler than anyone I ever knew. He was giving and nonjudgmental. What drew me to him besides his beautiful face was his belief in God and the way he conducted his spiritual life. I knew we would be on the same page in raising our family and that was paramount to me even at an early age of 17 when I fell in love with him.
Has grief changed the way you think about beauty, home, or the things you care about?
Where do I begin? Sometimes I think I could write a book on this. This subject is so vast and all consuming I hope I can do it justice for others.
Grief is such an individual experience so I can only refer to my own experiences. Doug passed in 2019 and it was expected because he had cancer and was given six months to live at diagnosis. He lived eight months. Four months later my mom passed away. Two of the hardest experiences of my life.
What would you want a woman reading this, who’s in the thick of a similar loss, to know? What do you wish someone had told you at the start?
The day after Doug passed, I remember wanting to know how long this overwhelming grief would last. Little did I know it was now a part of me and a constant companion that wouldn’t end but it would evolve and I would learn to continue with it by my side.
What did the early days of grief look like for you, and how is it different now?
At the beginning of 2020 everything shut down due to Covid. I was literally alone. There were Lots of texting and phone calls. I remember a dear friend standing at the end of my porch masked up, she brought me some fresh produce. We both felt sad but so glad to at least see each other from a distance.
I isolated because I didn’t want to get sick and put my family through one more thing. One day my oldest son came to get something that was in our garage, and he distanced himself the length of the garage away from me. When he said goodbye, I remember the look on his face was hesitant and sad because we are a hugging family and there was no hug. As hard as that time was, in some ways it was a blessing in disguise for me it allowed me to face my grief head on.
Because I was isolated, I faced my grief head on, there was no running away from it. I’ve learned so much about myself over the years. I Spent a great deal of time in prayer with my Heavenly Father, which was a great comfort to me.
I’m a homebody by nature so being home was never a problem for me but not being with family was the hardest part. I got a great deal of comfort in decorating my home and making plans for future projects. Being creative is my life blood. I’ve always decorated seasonally so I had Spring, Summer, Fall and Christmas to keep my creative side happy and full.
Has anything surprised you about how you’ve come through this, in yourself, your friendships, your work, or your capacity for joy again?
Generally, I am a happy girl inside and early on I worried I would never feel joy again because I hurt so deeply. I can now say I can and do feel joy. I tell myself, I am Okay and all is well as a reminder on the harder days.
Are there rituals, people, or small things that have genuinely helped you care for yourself through this?
There have been opportunities to talk with other recent widows and that has been such a gift. They have come to me for comfort, so my home has been the place of comfort to myself and to them.
I find having a flexible routine is very helpful for me. Most days the only pressure I feel is what I self-impose, that’s the beauty of retirement. I’ve learned that some days are hard and I go with the flow knowing I am taken care of, provided for in the most amazing ways.
Has dressing well or caring about your home become part of how you take care of yourself now? Or has that changed?
As far as how my personal care has changed, I still think of looking a certain way for Doug even though he’s no longer here. You will hardly ever catch me without lipstick on, and I wear fragrance, for me, every day.
Sometimes I have to laugh because I do have days where I give in to the way I am feeling but never more than 2-3 days. I literally tell myself, “That’s enough!” I start with small mundane things like making my bed, doing laundry. I find washing dishes by hand really helpful sometimes.
Moving Forward:
What does this chapter of your life feel like to you now both creatively and personally?
I’ve read and heard many many times that the amount of grief one will experience is equal to the amount of love for the loved one you no longer have in your life. Personally, I find this to be true. I can truly say I have had an amazing life and, “All is Well.”
Get Kathy’s Colorful Style
I keep coming back to that line of Kathy’s, “All is Well by the grace of God.” Not because grief resolved into something tidy, it didn’t, and she’s honest about that, but because she found her way to say it and mean it anyway. That’s the thing about Kathy that comes through even in a purely online friendship: the kindness is real, the joy is real, and so is the loss underneath both. If you’re in the thick of your own grief right now, I hope you take something from her here, that it doesn’t end, but it does evolve, and you can still come home to a life you love. Thank you, Kathy, for trusting us with this. You are one in a million
For more design inspiration and just plain fun follow Kathy on Instagram here.
You might also enjoy my interview my post The Friendship Prescription: What Dan Buettner Has Taught Me About Aging Well.
I have known Kathy for many years through blogging and Instagram. She is truly a gracious person with such strength and tenacity. I so admire her. She is truly talented and I love her style. This was a great feature Cindy!!!
Hi Shirley
Great to hear from you! Kathy is a treasure just like you!!
Cindy—
This beautiful feature about your friend Kathy has really touched me. The way she “speaks” of her Dougie is so heartwarming. I can definitely see how her grief journey is helping so many others experiencing similar loss. Her faith and her kindness are so front and center.
I also enjoyed her love of home, decor and family—all things dear to me.
I look forward to reading more about Kathy on her blog and IG account. Thanks for sharing her with us!
Thank you so much Carol. Your words really are touching to me.
I enjoyed this interview with Kathy. Her thoughts and home are lovely.
Thank you so much Linda!
Cindy thanks so much for featuring Kathy in your interview – I almost missed it since I was behind in my emails – but so glad I found it. I also consider Kathy a friend even though we haven’t met in person. Ironically I lived in the same community for seven years just a few blocks away and I learned of Kathy through a mutual friend. Her design aesthetic and eye for detail are matched only by her kindness and humble personality. I love Kathy’s IG account and her posts and stories are always filled with beauty and inspiration. Kathy, I still hope we have a chance to meet in person someday soon and would love to see your home “IRL”!
You have shown such courage and strength in the loss of your beloved Doug – and you deserve all the happiness and beauty in the home you both created.
Hugs, Michele
Hi Michele
Thank you for sharing such lovely words about our friend Kathy. She is a bright light to all!
Oh my goodness Michele your words are so touching to me. Thank you! I too consider you a friend and know we’re destined to meet in person!
Cindy, this is such a great interview with Kathy. She is truly a special lady and always shows her love for family and God. I so enjoyed this post. Thank you and Thanks to Kathy.
Hi Marty! Thank you for your kind words. They are words that can defy be spoken about you as well. 🥰🙏🏼💙
Hi Marty!
So great to hear from you. We are all the OG’s!!
I adore Kathy. She is also someone I consider a dear friend too, even though we haven’t met in person yet!
She truly lives a beautiful life, even after losing her dear Doug. She inspires me so much. Loved hearing more about her home and her design background. She is someone who lifts up others and is kindness personified. Adore her!!
Oh dear Kim you are truly touching my heart with your kind words. Thank you so much. I Definitely consider you a friend and I know if we ever get the chance to meet we will seal the deal and talk for hours. You’re my kind of gal! Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Cindy really thought of some great questions that were thoughtful and thought provoking for me. 🥰💙🙏🏼
Cindy! Kathy certainly is one in a million. Her kindness and grace shine through in everything she does. In our harsh online world, Kathy is a soothing balm. I consider myself very fortunate to have met Kathy IRL and visited her colorful, charming and inviting home. It’s even prettier and cheerier than the pictures … how is that possible? And Kathy herself, dressed in her beloved bright preppy classic style is a warm, witty and a comforting. I can’t think of a woman I admire more. What a thrill to find her featured here. xo
Oh dear Juliet, you brought tears to my eyes in your amazingly kind comment! I feel so fortunate that we got to meet in person and have lunch and such a fun visit! You are a Joy to be with and I think we could have talked until the sun went down.Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leaving me such a beautiful response. 🥰💙🙏🏼
Hi Juliet
You couldn’t have described Kathy better!!
Thank you, Kathy, for sharing transparently & thank you Cindy for sharing Kathy with us. I truly believe visitors to Kathy’s home experience the level of calm & peace they do is because the presence of God has a welcome home there. Blessings, Kathy, as you continue to share that with others in your continuing journey.
Hi Gayle
Thank you for your kind comment. I am so glad you enjoyed the interview.
Gayle, thank you! You’re absolutely right! I too believe my friend was sensing the peace of God in my home because he is definitely here with me. 🥰💙🙏🏼
Late to this post. I remember reading Kathy’s blog. I can’t believe it’s been 7 years that Doug has passed. I remember when you moved into your home, or maybe reading about it later, what sticks was Kathy writing about the placement for the fireplace. I love all the colour in your home and wardrobe, the wallpaper in the bathroom is so lovely. Glad she has found joy again.
Hi Rita
I knew so many of you would love to hear what Kathy is up to! She is such a wonderful person.
Hi Rita, thank you commenting oh yes the off set fireplace saga in our new built retirement home. This symmetry loving gal had to put pen to paper to figure out what I would do to make it work for my designing heart. Ten years later can’t imagine not have our fireplace.
An inspiring discussion with Kathy. I love her philosophy about curating your home for yourself! I’ve always said – when you walk in your house – you should feel the wow factor! Kathy’s resilience is so admirable – appreciate her honesty about grief and how she is taking care of herself. Thank you! Anna in Arizona
Hi Ann, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Life is definitely a process of learning and some lessons are harder than others but be able to share some of what I have learned is truly a joy for me. Thank you for thinking I am resilient! Not always but still working on that one !
Very good. Thank you.Kathy and Cindy. A wealth of inspiration to ponder.
Thank you Pat! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post and thank you for taking the time to read it!
What an inspiring lady! Finding I love Kathy’s style, both personal and her home design and I am deeply touched by her honest reflections on grief. Thank you, Cindy, for this post.
Hi Lesley! Such a kind comment and I’m so glad you enjoyed my home decor and my personal style. In writing about my grief I have no choice but to be honest in hopes of helping someone eve a little bit is so important to me. Cindy gave me this opportunity to reach readers I might have never reached. I’m forever grateful for that 🥰🙏🏼💙
I remember Kathy and this is such a nice surprise to read this post. I found a lot of you lifestyle bloggers and I also lost my husband of 30 years in 2017. So when I saw that Doug or Dougie as she lovingly called him passed away, I could relate to her even more. Her home and gardens and clothing have always been inspiration so I loved seeing this recap and update. For some who have not lost their spouse, I think her responses are reassuring and true. We can move forward as women with faith and hope and there is more joy. Cindy your questions were really nice and I loved Kathy’s responses. Good to see an old online friend who has no idea probably who I am, but nonetheless, I enjoyed the update.
HI Carol
I bet you are wrong. Kathy guaranteed will remember you!!
You were absolutely right Cindy🥰
She did and now I recall our correspondence, really value knowing someone like Kathy in a similar boat. We agree, Joy is still there for us. ♥️
Hi Carol, I remember reading your name and thinking I know that name from somewhere! It’s so wonderful to hear from you! I appreciate your compliment referring to my home and personal style.
I’m so very sorry that you too had to feel this kind of grief. It’s definitely not an easy process or a one type of solution or resolve. I pray that you’re learning to walk hand in hand with your own grief and joy. Look forward to seeing you on IG in the future 🥰
Kathy is a very interesting woman and I enjoyed reading about her. I live in the Colorado mountains but my home has a taste of New England coastal grandma. My closet is organized like Kathy but with Summer colors instead of Spring. I’m a decade older but can relate to her as a friend. My husband and I have been together for 40 years and married 33 years. I will love him forever, in human form or spirit. Because of our ages, 81 and 84, I have pre grief moments in the middle of the night. I pray that we can live in the moment a day at a time for as many days as we have left. Thanks Cindy, you feel like my friend as well.
Sydney
Hi Sydney
I am so glad you enjoyed my friend Kathy. She is an inspiration to all of us that have known her (virtually) for so many years.
Dear Sydney, I love your comment and so glad you shared a bit about yourself and the love of your life. Your statement about pre-grief moments is something I understand . Becoming a certain age will sometimes throw us into those moments and yet you’re perspective is so good you turned those moments into the realization of how important moments with the ones we love are and that’s what is ultimately the most important thing. Keep up that attitude Sydney! Enjoy your sweetheart for many more years to come! 🥰💙🙏🏼
Thank you for featuring this wonderful woman in this post. She is inspiring in many different ways. Great interview! I thoroughly enjoy your blog!
Hi Leata
Kathy is a treaure isn’t she?
Leata, thank you so much for reading and for such a kind comment 💙🙏🏼
I really enjoyed this posting about Kathy!!!
Hi Sue
I am so glad you enjoyed it Kathy is one in a million!!
Thank you Sue!
Hi Cindy,
I so enjoyed reading so much about Kathy and her love for Doug and her family and friends. What a lovely lady. Her home is beautiful. Kathy’s comment about her arms is so good. Who cares, anyways most folks
do not care, they are more concerned about their own arms not being what they wish they were when they were much younger. Kathy you have your life beautifully balanced. Me too, I love love love Carmel CA. It’s magical, I will never forget it and the surrounding areas.
Thank you for sharing Kathy with us.
On a side note I have been thinking of YOU with the horrible fires in Indiana. I hope your loved ones are fine.
Hi Katherine
I am so glad you enjoyed Kathy. She has always been a cheerleader for those of us that have been in this business forever! In regards to the fires in Indiana. My relatives live in the central portion of Indiana-the Indianapolis and Lafayette area.
Hi Katherine!
I’m so glad you enjoyed reading this post. Thank you for the compliment about my home.and mentioning my love of my sweet Dougie, family and friends. I’ve been so blessed with so much love in my life, it’s actually so easy to write about that.
You made me giggle about the ARMS! You’re absolutely right! Oh yes Carmela is so magical
Kathy is such a delightful person. She loved/loves Doug so deeply that I remember how upset the whole blogging world felt about his death.
How pretty is her bathroom?? I love her garden too. She’s a good one to follow on Instagram.
Thanks so much, Cindy, for sharing Kathy.
Hi Mary Ann
We just love her don’t we…her love for “Dougie” and her love of all things design and fashion is so inspiring!!
My dear MaryAnn,
Your comment brought tears. I remember getting notes and flowers from fellow bloggers and was beyond touched. It goes to show you never know who is observing your life, even if it was through my writing. I’ll always consider you a friend even though we’ve never met in person . Thank you for your thoughtful kind words 🥰🙏🏼🥟
I enjoyed reading about Kathy and seeing her styles, both in home design and clothing. The picture of her closet is certainly colorful! I hardly recognized any of the products she uses for skin care or make up but I’m going to look into a few of them. It sounds like she and her husband had a beautiful and enviable relationship. I’m so sorry that she has had to deal with his death but it sounds like she is finding her way, as she should….she has much to live for.
Hi Wren
I would definately look into Kathy’s favorite products. She researches things religiously. I plan to try a few as well!
Hi Wren!
I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! Yes I am definitely a color driven gal. Hope you do try some of the products, they’re definitely tried and true. If you have any q just DM me and I’ll be glad to help if I can.
You’re so right WREN I do have much to live for by the grace of God!
Thank you!
Cindy–I love this post! Kathy is an amazing woman, and I always know when I land on her Instagram. Her personal style and her home are instantly recognizable! Look at how she organizes her handbags and tops! And you can see those same colors and the overall style throughout Kathy’s beautiful home.
Oh sweet Annie, I love that you can recognize my home! You’re absolutely right I use many of the same colors in my wardrobe in my home interiors. You’re very observant .
Thank’s for bringing Kathy back. I followed her for year’s. Good to see her.
Hi Annie
I love Kathy’s colorful style and outlook on life. I only wish I were as organized as she!!
Hi Candis
I am so glad you enjoyed the interview. We all love Kathy!
Hi Candis! I’m so glad you found me again and thank you for following along with my journey In life!